say something funny

The Onion: What is funny?

Jessi Klein: I've always preferred shy, nerdy guys to the Brads and Leos of the world. These are my top three crushes of all time. Mark Ruffalo is not a nerd, but he would be fourth.

3) Steve Buscemi. The Albino Adonis. How I long to nestle into his concave chest, tickle his thin pale arms, and stare deeply into his bug eyes. His reedy voice turns me into melting ice cream, which I assume he cannot eat due to lactose intolerance. Stay out of the sun, Steve. You don't need it. To me, you ARE the sun.

2) Tim Teufel. While famous for his little hip shake at the plate ("The Teufel Shuffle"), this 1986 Met was nowhere near superstar teammates like Hernandez or Strawberry in terms of ability or fame. No one thought he had anything going on in the looks department, either, but for some reason, 11-year-old me developed a painfully passionate love for him. I choreographed an enormously ridiculous fantasy in which I, despite being married to catcher Gary Carter, would slowly fall for Tim. Gary would neglect me when we were on the road, while Tim would take me to romantic dinners and be really interested in me, my ideas, and what I had to say.

1) Tim Russert. Dear Tim: According to your online bio on NBC.com, you are married and have a child. However, your marriage doesn't prevent me from doing unspeakably hot things to you in my imagination. Just know that when you are drilling Rumsfeld on Meet The Press and showing him for the ass he is, those are the moments when, in my mind, I am running my tongue down your brilliant, sandy-haired, hot torso.

Answer submitted via e-mail. Jessi Klein has appeared on Comedy Central's Premium Blend, and is a regular panelist on VH1's Best Week Ever.